My Son, My Son

David led a complicated life. He was born a shepherd boy. He saved Israel by defeating a giant. He was chosen to take over as king of Israel. He faced numerous attempts on his life. He had an affair with the wife of one of his soldiers. His oldest son raped his own half-sister. And another of his sons killed his brother and tried to take over the kingdom.

This last statement is the basis for this post. David gave his soldiers direct instructions to spare the life of Absalom, even though Absalom had intended to take the throne as king of Israel away from David. Regardless of the conflict that existed between the two of them, David loved his son. I can feel the pain and anguish that David felt when he wished that he had died in Absalom's place. Reading this verse brings tears to my eyes.

I have said many times over the past year and a half that a loving father will always take the hurt for the child he loves, and I mean every word of it. I have seen Rayne and Carrie and Abe suffer in many different ways, and every single time, I would do anything I possibly could to take away their pain. The Bible tells us to mourn with those who mourn, and I have mourned many times with my children. I have literally prayed that God would take their pain and give it to me, and I know many parents have prayed that same prayer.

Since the last time I saw or talked to Abe, I have worried if he is okay, and I have continued to pray that God is taking care of him for us. Some days in the past six months have been "normal" for me, and other days, I have been so grief-stricken that I didn't want to go on. I have begged God to help me make it through those days, and He has never failed me yet (and I know He never will). On some of those particular days, I have wondered why I am having such a hard time, and one clear answer has come to my mind: on the hardest days, I believe that God is answering my prayer. He has taken the pain from Abe and given it to me to bear, and with that in mind, I find my strength to carry out the day. If my bad day means my son can have a good day, then I will take it every time.

One night several weeks ago, I woke up from a nightmare of driving at night and seeing dead bodies lying all over the road. As soon as I woke up, my very first thought was whether Abe was okay. It was the first weekend after Abe turned 18, and I was so scared that he might have made some bad choice and done something dangerous. I begged God to keep him safe and to let me know that he was okay. That fear dug at the back of my mind all day. Angie and I went to the grocery store and while we were out to eat, I told her about my dream and how worried I was about Abe. Only moments later, I had the feeling that I should check Abe's Instagram account. With tears of relief in my eyes, I found that Abe had posted something for the first time in months just before I checked. I didn't get to talk to Abe, but God had shown me just enough to know that he was safe.

When I read David's words, "If only I had died instead of you, my son," I can understand how he felt. I love my children more than myself, and I always will. There is nothing that any of them could ever say or do to make me love them any less. I am a father who will always take the hurt for any of my children, even when we are not together, even when they don't even know it.

Heavenly Father, thank you for the pain I feel in being a father. When my children hurt, I hurt with them, and I know that when I hurt, You hurt with me. Love itself does not hurt, but love means that I willingly feel the hurt of those I love. So even though it hurts sometimes, I thank you for the deep love I have for my children. In the loving name of Jesus I pray, Amen.